Six questions men should ask when looking for a therapist
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
A lot of men hesitate to see a therapist—not because they’re afraid of hard conversations, but because they’re not sure they’ll be understood.
There’s a fear that therapy will feel like being reshaped instead of being respected. That you'll walk in and be met with buzzwords, blank stares, or subtle pressure to express emotions in ways that don’t feel natural, or even adopt viewpoints that don't feel true to you.
Perhaps a fear that your struggles will be analyzed, or even criticized, without being fully seen.
Those fears aren’t irrational. And they don’t mean you're resistant to growth. Instead, they're a signal to be cautious and discerning as you map out the right therapist for you.
These six questions won’t give you every answer—but they’ll help you figure out whether a therapist can meet you where you actually are. I’ll share my own take along the way—not because my answers are the only right ones, but because you deserve to know what a grounded, male-aware response might sound like.
1. What are your thoughts on male vulnerability?
Men are often told to “open up,” but when we do, it doesn’t always go well. People freeze, pull back, or quietly lose respect. It’s one of the quickest ways men learn that vulnerability is a gamble—and that not everyone knows what to do when we stop pretending everything’s fine.
Vulnerability isn’t about dumping pain or waiting for someone to rescue you. It’s about being able to feel what you’re feeling, in the presence of someone else, while staying anchored in yourself. That takes more strength than most people realize.
A good therapist knows that men need a space where they can be raw without being judged, lectured, or subtly corrected. If a therapist idealizes vulnerability without understanding how risky it can feel for men, they’re not the one.
2. How do you view the gender empathy gap?
One of the unspoken reasons men avoid therapy is that they expect to be misunderstood—or worse, pathologized. When a man shows hurt, people often scan for aggression, ulterior motives, or fragility. Not compassion.
That’s the gender empathy gap. And if a therapist doesn’t see it, they might be participating in it.
You want someone who gets that male pain is often minimized, doubted, or ignored—and who works against that in the room. If they dodge this question or pivot to “everyone has struggles,” it’s a sign they’re not doing the deeper work of understanding how men are treated differently when they’re in pain.
3. How structured is your approach?
If every session focuses on your struggles of the week and never functions as a step toward long-term goals, it starts to feel like expensive small talk. You want traction. A sense of movement. Something you can build on—even if it’s messy.
But you also don’t want someone so bound to a rigid method that they force you into a mold.
A solid therapist has a framework—but uses it in a way that adapts to who you are, what you want, and how you work best. It’s important to deal naturally with how you're feeling and what's on your mind when you show up, and it’s also important to follow a structured approach that helps you advance.
You’re not showing up to be micromanaged or babysat. You’re there to move. And the structure should support that.
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4. Do you think men should prioritize their own needs—even when it feels selfish?
Most men are raised to put others first: the provider, the protector, the one who doesn’t complain. So when you start to focus on your own needs, it can feel wrong—like you’re being selfish or letting someone down.
But self-neglect isn’t noble. It’s a slow erosion. And it doesn’t end in respect. It ends in burnout or resentment.
At the same time, there’s such a thing as self-care that’s really just escape. Or chasing freedom in a way that disconnects you from the people you care about.
A good therapist won’t shame you for wanting more—but also won’t let you confuse self-abandonment with sacrifice, or selfishness with healing. They'll help you get honest about what you're doing and why.
This isn’t about swinging to the opposite extreme. It’s about values. Prioritizing your needs doesn’t mean abandoning the people you love—it means making sure you’re actually capable of showing up for them. Healing isn’t selfish. It enables you to live in alignment with what you care about most—being present, being supportive, being alive in your own life. For many men, that includes being a stronger partner, father, or friend because you’re not running on fumes.
5. How much time do you spend focusing on the past?
You don’t need someone to unpack every childhood moment like they’re writing your biography. But you do need someone who can help you connect the dots—where certain patterns started, why certain things still trigger you, and what context you’re carrying that no longer fits the current version of your life.
Ignore the past, and you lose the map. Obsess over it, and you never move.
You’re looking for balance: someone who understands how the past shapes the present—but keeps you focused on how to grow in the present, not just explain it.
6. What do you think is one of the most common traps men fall into in relationships?
A lot of men think that being steady, loyal, and non-reactive is enough. “If I don’t blow up, if I don’t cheat, if I show up—I’m doing my job.” Then one day, they’re told they’re emotionally unavailable or not doing enough, and it hits them like a truck.
Other times, the trap is being blamed for everything. Some men walk into therapy and get treated like they’re defective—when in reality, they’ve been operating under double standards, unclear expectations, and no space to be human without being shamed for it.
But one of the biggest traps I see is something I address in my book: when men struggle to take responsibility for their own wants. Not because they’re weak—but because they’ve been conditioned to believe that their needs and desires aren’t valid or acceptable. So they become hyper-adaptable, overly accommodating, silently resentful—and then shocked when that resentment spills out or corrodes the relationship.
You want a therapist who helps you identify what you actually want, and who encourages you to communicate it clearly—not just go along to get along. Because long-term, people-pleasing isn’t love. It’s a slow retreat from yourself. And it breeds confusion, distance, and pain on both sides.
Don’t Settle for a Therapist Who Doesn’t Get You
A good therapist won’t flinch when you ask these questions. They won’t get defensive or sidestep what you’re really trying to figure out. They won’t respond with buzzwords, either. They’ll meet you in the nuance, not try to smooth it over.
If you get vague answers, social scripts, or subtle redirections—trust your gut. If your gut tells you to keep looking, then keep looking.
You’re not just trying to feel better. You’re trying to get stronger, clearer, and more grounded in who you actually are. That kind of change doesn’t happen with someone who sees you as a problem to be solved.
It happens with someone who respects how hard you’ve worked to survive—and is ready to help you build something better.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
