Dealing with Workplace Conflict Without Losing Your Peace or Professionalism
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
“Last night you were disrespectful as f***, and you better not f***ing do it again!”
That’s how an Army colleague and roommate greeted me one morning. No heads-up the night before. No request. Not the kind of approach to conflict resolution one would expect from a Behavioral Health Officer at the beginning of a rotation. Just hostility.
He was reacting to the fact that around 10:30 PM, I had been on my side of the room, quietly watching a show and eating peanuts. The light on his side of the room was still on. I didn’t think anything of it. In almost every previous Army roommate situation, both my roommate and I would sometimes snack in the middle of the night. It had never been an issue.
But this guy came in hot.
I was angry. But I didn’t escalate. Instead, I texted him:
"Sir, I can happily accommodate a request to be quieter after a certain hour. If you had said something to me last night, I would have known at the time that my reaching into the bag and chewing after was bothering you. I am not going to tolerate any hostility or cursing or assertions that I was being disrespectful. Have a nice day."
His response? One word: “Noted.”
No apology. No ownership. Just a dismissive shrug. And honestly, that’s fine—because I wasn’t looking for closure. I was drawing a line.
And here’s something that might surprise you:
That one-word reply—“Noted”—may have been the most favorable response I could’ve gotten.
It wasn’t conciliatory. But it wasn’t combative either. He didn’t double down. He didn’t try to justify himself. He didn’t spark a drawn-out debate. He didn’t escalate.
In a conflict like this—especially with someone you barely know—silence or minimal acknowledgment can actually be the clearest off-ramp. “Noted” means he got the message. He didn’t argue. He didn’t apologize, sure—but he also didn’t throw more fuel on the fire.
You don’t always get emotional validation. But you don’t need it to move forward. You just need to be heard enough to draw your boundary and be done.
His response also gave me a chance to demonstrate my capacity to tolerate discomfort and unresolved tension. Any communication is only as effective as how we behave afterward. In my book about repairing relationships, I explore how communication gains power when we show—through our actions—that we don’t need immediate reconciliation or validation. Our ability to stay detached and composed affirms that we believe we acted rightly. In contrast, begging for agreement reveals self-doubt and undermines our position.
That deployment wrapped up without further drama. We coexisted professionally, and the tension faded because I never gave it more oxygen. That one moment—handled with restraint—let the whole thing dissolve instead of spiral.
Transitions like that can be awkward. People come in with different training, expectations, and assumptions about how things should be done. That’s true in any field. I kept my focus on closing things out cleanly and giving him space to get oriented.
Here’s how I handled the situation without blowing up my peace or damaging my reputation, using principles from Stoicism, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and basic leadership psychology.
(article continues below)
1. Manage Your State—Before You Manage the Situation
I felt the anger. But I didn’t act from it.
I didn’t match his emotional outburst. I also didn’t shove the emotion down and pretend I wasn’t affected. I let myself feel it fully, but mindfully. I gave the anger room to exist without making it the driver of my behavior.
From ACT: this is emotional acceptance—not suppression, not indulgence.
From Stoicism: “You have power over your mind—not outside events.”
He chose hostility. I chose awareness and control.
2. Assert Boundaries Without Needing to Win
The message I sent him wasn’t about starting a debate or making him see my side. It was about setting the tone:
I’m willing to adjust if you communicate respectfully.
I won’t accept abuse or personal attacks.
I don’t need your agreement to enforce that boundary.
This is what ACT calls committed action—behavior aligned with values, not feelings. And it’s how you stay effective in conflict without making it personal.
3. Take care of your own emotional needs first
I didn’t vent to coworkers or try to build alliances. I didn’t turn this into a campaign to get others on my side. Not because I didn’t want to, but because doing so would’ve shifted the spotlight onto me—and made me look like part of the problem.
Even if you're right, if you escalate, you become equally scrutinized. And in most workplaces, once conflict becomes visible, it’s common for both sides to be viewed as immature or unprofessional.
So I gave myself space to process, reflect, and center. I took care of my own emotions before I considered addressing anything outwardly.
4. Practice restraint—requesting validation isn’t always safe
I didn’t start broadcasting what happened in search of validation. Even though I was confident I was in the right, I kept it tight. Why? Because in professional environments, venting can backfire.
If the other person keeps their story quiet and you’re the one talking, you look emotional. Even if your story is 100% accurate, it still chips away at your authority.
Restraint isn’t weakness—it’s discipline.
From Stoicism: “If someone does wrong, the harm is to themselves.”
I didn’t need to spread my version of the story to protect myself. My behavior was already doing that.
5. Recognize when it’s not about you
When someone lashes out irrationally, it’s easy to take it personally. But often, it has nothing to do with you.
This individual didn’t know me well. His reaction wasn’t rooted in any deep understanding of who I am. It was likely fueled by stress, insecurity, or a lack of experience managing tension.
I didn’t cause that. I just happened to be there when it boiled over.
Knowing this helped me stay grounded. I didn’t waste energy trying to fix his perception or rehabilitate the relationship. I focused on staying clear, respectful, and unshaken.
6. Don’t build a fire you don’t intend to sit in
This was a short-term situation. I wasn’t looking to build a lasting rapport—I was looking to get through without unnecessary damage. Escalating the conflict—even just to “make a point”—would’ve tied me to it in a way I didn’t need.
I set a boundary. I made my position known. Then I moved on. He can do what he wants with that information.
That’s the core of professional restraint: handle the fire without catching flame yourself.
No Drama. Just Discipline.
Workplace conflict doesn’t always give you the luxury of being understood, validated, or even treated fairly. But it always gives you one thing: a chance to demonstrate who you are under pressure.
Feel what you feel.
Don’t act from it.
Set boundaries without needing to be liked.
Protect your peace more than your pride.
And don’t start a war you don’t intend to live in.
Let others unravel if they need to. Your job is to do what you think it's right, what matters to you—with clarity, composure, and your integrity intact.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
