Should I reconnect with estranged family members?
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Family is often on the brain as we push ourselves through the celebratory sludge of the strange no-man’s land between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. There are gatherings, traditions, expectations, and memories—some warm, some loaded, some flat-out painful. Even if you’re not seeing certain people, they may show up anyway, just not physically.
This is also the time of year when clients struggle most with deceased family members, aging or unwell parents, and estranged relationships that never really healed. Old questions resurface. So does a very specific one:
“Should I reconnect with them?”
And my answer to that question is no.
I’m not saying “no, don’t do it.”
And not even “no, it’s a bad idea.”
I’m saying no to the should.
Because even if “should” sometimes really means it’s a good idea to do something, more often than not what we actually mean is that we have to—and that we’re wrong if we don’t. And I’m saying no to that.
You don’t have to.
There is no moral obligation to reconcile.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship. The idea that reconciliation is inherently virtuous—and distance inherently wrong—is inherited from a time in human history when family connection wasn’t about fulfillment or personal growth. It was about survival. If you were cut off from your kin, you were genuinely at risk of starving or dying.
We don’t live in that world anymore, but the moral residue remains. Many people carry an unexamined belief that staying connected to family is always the “right” thing to do, even if the cost is chronic stress, resentment, or self-betrayal.
Yes, there is potential value in family relationships:
A felt connection to your past and your lineage
A chance to heal unfinished emotional business
Emotional, social, or practical support
A sense of continuity and belonging
But potential value is not the same thing as actual value.
Whether it’s worth it is not for me to say. It’s certainly not for them to say. And I wouldn’t leave that decision up to a guilt-ridden inner voice that learned, long ago, that keeping the peace mattered more than staying intact.
If there is a “should” here, it’s this:
You should prioritize your safety.
Your physical safety, and your psychological safety—the confidence that you won’t be attacked, shamed, cornered, manipulated, or required to abandon yourself in order to stay connected.
When you have conditions in place that allow you to feel safe around someone, a few important things can happen. You can relax. You can be less defensive. You don’t have to armor up or rehearse arguments in your head. Under those conditions, relationships are more likely to feel natural—and at times, even harmonious.
Paradoxically, that feeling of safety often only comes when you allow yourself the freedom not to have the relationship.
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When you know you can leave—emotionally or physically—you stop clinging. You stop forcing. You stop bargaining with yourself. And that freedom is often what makes any genuine reconnection possible in the first place.
Which brings us to the next question.
If “should I?” isn’t the right question, what is?
Are they compatible with my boundaries?
This is the question that actually gets you somewhere.
One useful way to think about boundaries—especially with estranged or difficult family members—is through the lens of safety. A simple, clarifying question is:
What constraints would allow me to feel safe around this person?
Boundaries are one of the most misunderstood—and most powerful—tools in relationships. When they’re clear, they tend to do two things at once: they solidify relationships that are good for you, and they clarify when distance is the healthier option.
A boundary is not a demand.
It’s not a negotiation tactic.
It’s not an attempt to control someone else’s behavior.
A boundary is simply this: what you are and are not willing to do, tolerate, or stick around for.
Seen through the lens of safety, boundaries often take very practical forms:
Time limits: how long you’re willing to stay
Behavior limits: what kinds of comments, tones, or actions you won’t remain present for
Location limits: where you’re willing—and not willing—to meet
A few things to keep in mind:
Boundaries are rarely met with cheer or approval. That’s normal.
If someone is used to walking all over you, your boundary will feel unfair to them.
Their objection does not mean you’re doing something wrong.
Boundaries don’t always need to be announced.
You and your spouse might quietly agree that you’ll only stay at Uncle Bill’s house for an hour after Christmas dinner—or that you’ll leave if he starts drinking. There may be no reason to tell Bill any of this. The boundary isn’t about changing him; it’s about protecting yourself and the relationships that matter most.
Other boundaries are worth expressing.
If you’re only willing to re-engage with your father as long as he manages his anger, it may be useful for him to know that. It gives him clear information. It may even motivate change.
But the key is this: don’t try to get him not to yell.
Be ready to enforce the boundary.
That might mean ending a call, leaving the room, or stepping back from contact altogether. If he can’t—or won’t—respect that boundary, then you have your answer about whether reconnecting is right for you.
Reconnecting with estranged family members isn’t inherently brave, mature, or healthy. Neither is staying away. What matters is whether the relationship you’re considering is compatible with your boundaries, your nervous system, and the life you’re actually trying to build.
If there’s room for that, you’ll know how to proceed.
And if there isn’t, you’re not failing some moral test. You’re responding accurately to reality.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
