Why "Anger Is a Secondary Emotion" Is Bad Psychology
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
My wife took me to see comedian Gina Brillon last night. We had a blast, but my enjoyment was more in relating to what she shared–I found myself smiling and nodding in agreement more than laughing. She spoke a lot about how she made sense of her own mental health and relating to others–particularly with interracial relationships, parenting mixed-race kids, and living with the effects of childhood trauma. She talked about her sensitivity to subtle changes in others’ emotions, how this developed through childhood trauma–something I can relate to first-hand.
But at one point, she let one of my least favorite pop-psychology clichés slip out. She was speaking about her affection and empathy for men, explaining that they struggle to show emotions other than anger, and that “anger is a secondary emotion.”
There are a number of valid and helpful ways of understanding emotions. And I don’t believe this is one of them. I can empathize with those who have pushed this idea–if you are dealing with an angry person, including an angry partner, family member, or client, it can be helpful to support them in consciously experiencing other emotions they might be feeling. Yes, someone who is angry can also feel afraid. They can also feel sad. But… it’s inaccurate and unhelpful to assume that their anger must be “secondary” to another emotion.
It’s invalidating, especially to men
Telling someone that their anger is secondary to a primary emotion amounts to telling people that they are not really experiencing what they think they are experiencing. It sets up a dynamic where one person can claim to know better about an emotional experience than the person actually living it. It risks sending a patronizing underlying message: “You’re feeling anger as a way of protecting yourself from more vulnerable emotions, which you do not have the emotional maturity to take ownership of…”
While I appreciate that Gina Brillon was speaking from a place of affection and empathy for men, hearing that cliché frame her perspective changed how the bit landed for me. It translated less as genuine understanding and more as a message of needing to be patient with men because anger is simply the only emotion they are capable of comfortably accessing. (Article continues below)
The idea that anger is only a mechanism that people use to defend themselves against more frightening emotions is no more valid than the idea that crying is always a manipulation tool.
It prescribes an emotional experience
A girl I once dated told me, “Please don’t tell me you’re angry. Anger is always a secondary emotion. Tell me that you’re hurt.”
Such nonsense. Not only is it untrue, the last thing we want to do when encouraging people to consciously experience their emotions is to tell them they are wrong when they describe their feelings. We have more access to our emotions when we feel safe. We feel safer when people take us at our word about our subjective experiences. And less safe when people tell us we’re getting our feelings wrong.
One of the biggest reasons men struggle identifying their emotions is that men often feel pressure to get things right. We’re often afraid to answer wrong. “If I misidentify this emotion, am I going to fail at connecting with this person? Will I fail at this therapeutic process? Will I not be doing a thing perfectly and therefore justify internal belief of a low self-worth?”
The truth is, there is no singular “right answer” to an internal state. Our emotions aren't multiple-choice tests; they are layered, shifting landscapes. Our emotions can often be described using more than one word. Often we feel more than one emotion at a time. Our emotions naturally flow from one to another.
De-shit-ify anger
Healthy experiencing of our emotions involves allowing ourselves to consciously experience them in a way that allows us to function and show up in ways that support what we value. Neither disconnected from our emotional experience nor drowning in it. Neither repressing/suppressing our emotions, nor acting them out.
Anger is not dangerous. It’s not violent.
Violence can be an attribute of behavior that people sometimes engage in because they feel like they have to act out the anger. And when people try to deny the conscious experience of anger, they become more likely to act it out. Denying our emotional experience is what leads to us experiencing a pressure cooker effect. Consciously allowing ourselves to experience the emotion, flexibly observing it, allowing ourselves to notice it while we do what matters to us… that’s emotionally mature.
What is “primary” to emotions?
The reason we need to "de-shit-ify" anger is because the phrase "anger is a secondary emotion" has been used to systematically dismiss it as a fake feeling. The narrative goes that someone is sad or scared, but instead of letting themselves consciously feel scared, they let themselves feel anger instead.
Sometimes, sure. Human beings are complex, and emotional defense mechanisms exist. But pop psychology treats this like a one-way street where anger is always the top layer. In reality, emotional traffic moves in every direction. Chronic depression and generalized anxiety are frequently used as heavy, suffocating blankets to cover up deep, unexpressed anger.
When we mindfully welcome and observe our internal landscape without judgment, we see that emotions are fluid; they flow into, out of, and alongside one another. It can be fascinating to witness a wave of sharp anger give way to tears, or a heavy sadness suddenly crystallize into a fierce, clarifying anger. Neither state is the "hidden truth"—both are valid responses happening in real-time.
Often, our beliefs play a massive role in shaping this emotional experience. We don’t just experience a raw biological sensation; we immediately filter it through our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. If a person holds the underlying belief that "the world is unsafe and people will exploit weakness," their nervous system might translate a moment of sudden hurt straight into a protective surge of fury. Conversely, if someone believes "anger is bad and dangerous," they might instantly twist their genuine anger into a feeling of anxiety or helplessness.
Furthermore, anger often reveals a deep-seated belief that something is unfair. Do we really want to invalidate someone's perception that a thing is unfair? Or do we want to hold space for it, and see how it evolves when they are allowed to fully own it? Often, our listening helps them refine their perceptions, make peace with them, and/or make them more actionable.
It is incredibly important to recognize that these cognitive filters, biological responses, and past histories are all interconnected factors. There is seldom a single, linear cause for what we feel. Human emotion is an ecosystem, not a math equation. To reduce a person's anger down to a simple "mask" for something else completely ignores the complex web of beliefs and history that made them feel angry in the first place.
What to Do Instead of “Pop-psych-splaining” People's Emotions
If you want the person near you to be more emotionally mature, don’t tell them–or even think–that they are getting their emotions wrong… or that what they think they are feeling is really at its core, something else. Instead, encourage them to welcome whatever emotional experience they are having. Respect any ownership people take of their feelings. If you want them to be welcoming of the vast array of emotions they feel inside, then lead by example, and be welcoming of their emotional experiences.
Now, this doesn’t apply if someone is taking their emotion out on you. Set boundaries about that. Express that you aren’t going to be present to be yelled at. And if it’s worse–if there’s abuse–get yourself to a safe place and focus on your own healing.
But anger is not violence or abuse. Someone telling you that they feel angry when you do a thing is not abuse. It is indeed a vulnerable and courageous self-disclosure. And it’s the kind of thing that you want to welcome and appreciate if you want the person you are near to be more emotionally mature.
And welcoming their emotional experience might even make YOU more emotionally mature.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
